Into the dark
by Fightslowly
Summary: After Edward leaves, Bella falls into self harm. When he comes back, he see’s the toll of his absense and can't live with himself. A realistic view into Edward's head. Very Dark. Suicidal themes.
1. Prologue

**[AN: This is the prologue. I plan to keep story on a pace, unlike others. Expect an update from this chapter immediately, and then an update an average of every two days. Reviews would be silently admired.]**

Edward's point of view:

People think of the glamor of a vampire, much before they think of anything else. My perfect eyes, hair, face, and maybe body attract the attention of the foolish. Or maybe it's my never ending youth for others. No one ever thinks of the mental. The mind is not meant to last 90 years without fault, or deterioration. No one should have to endure never ending years of memories of people long gone, or education that can never be used. They don't think of how we must ask to be killed, rather than have in unexpected. It's frankly... depressing. So, it's easy to say, when I found my joy, My Bella, I clung to her as hard as I could.

Her simplicity drew me in, but her mentality had me on my knees. I couldn't express it in words that she understood. After looking at these human beings for so long, patterns emerged. Disgusting patterns. It was simple, once I figured the person out, I didn't care anymore. Not being able to read her thoughts was a challenge, but I knew I would never figure her out after I asked her about moving to Forks. She self sacrificed herself. It was beautiful. She was beautiful..

_////////I snapped from my thoughts as she emerged from the bathroom, smelling faintly of soap, and conditioner. (None of which could ever cover the purity of her blood, that burned me everytime she was remotely near me.) She sat next to me, and I drew her in my arms, embracing the burn that came with her being near me. I held onto her tightly, stroking her damp hair, and kissed her jawline. She closed her eyes, and breathed out a sigh of relief. Almost as if being without me was difficult._

_"Bella" I said softly, and kissed her lips once. I would never tell her how much it hurt to do that. Or how much worse it was on her neck. She was in pure ecstasy, and I would pretend to be as well. Not that I wasn't in more pleasure than pain. Just a dull ache, with sudden spikes of pain._

_"Edward." She purred back at me, and her eyes fluttered open. I pulled from her slowly, and she quickly caught me with a kiss. Oh how it burned. Maybe this was hell. Maybe hell was finding someone you love, and having your sin reminded to you whenever you touched._

_I effortlessly, but gently layed her back on her bed, and took her face between my hands, I stroked her face softly, and she closed her eyes again. She left them closed long enough for me to stop moving my hands in worry. But when she opened her eyes again, they had nothing but desire. If this was hell, I accept my fate._

_We didn't have to say anything, our relationship was not supported by words. We only had to look each other in the eyes, and we'd find all the reassurance of love needed. /////////////_

But then...I realized this angel had no reason to be dragged into my hell. I was ruining her innocence. I was tainting her. And so I left. And the results of this will burn me for however long I decide to live. Oh, Bella.


	2. Mirror Mirror

**{AN: They show the same reactions to being separated. This is on purpose. Every ying, has a yang.}**

**Edward's view:**

I hadn't fed in over 2 weeks. The fire in my throat burned me. Burned me so much more than any person starving to death would have to deal with. But I wasn't near death. Death would not come to me for a while, even without feeding. I opened my eyes, and peered into the hotel mirror. I finally looked like the monster I felt like. Dark circles were under my blackened eyes. My face was paler than it had ever been before, and my hair sat on my head in a tangled mane. A human must have been in the hall, because the burn scorched me then, making me curl my thinning frame over itself. I deserved the fire, that pain. It had been a month since I had left her. Left her in that rainy town all alone. And I couldn't stand it anymore. I was greedy. I wanted the angel in hell with me. I didn't want to be alone.

"Auhh.." I moaned, and stood up. I walked out of the bathroom, and sat on the hotel bed, debating myself silently. The only reason I was in the hotel room in the first place was because of Esme. She was so concerned about me, and cried when I left. I didn't deserve that. I didn't deserve anything. I layed back on the bed, as another wave of pain hit me. It disgusted me how much control I had to put into it, and knew it was a matter of time before I had to leave this dirty South American 1 star hotel.

The phone rang then, and I growled lowly at it for interrupting my thoughts. I picked it up slowly, but did not utter a greeting. Alice didn't need one to know I was there.

"Edward.." she sighed softly, and I flinched in pain, as it reminded me of her.  
"Edward, you can't continue like this. I've seen you. You...You need to come back home."

Something about the way Alice said her words, assured me she didn't know if I'd say yes, or no. This eased me a little bit.

"Alice. I can't do this to her." I whispered into the phone, realizing this was the first time in a week I had spoken aloud. My voice sounded weak. Pathetic.

"You're hurting her more by staying away. I've seen it Edward. She doesn't talk to anyone, she stays home all alone.." she paused, and took a breath before her ringing tone filled my ear again.  
"And I think she's hiding something."

My head was clouded. I was thinking of nights with her wrapped in my arms, watching her peaceful form, wishing I know what she thought. And then I remembered her waking, her eyes smiling at mine, and the redness that tinted her cheeks as I kissed her good morning.

"Will she still love me?" I choked out.  
"Yes." she replied immediately.I couldn't tell if that was a lie, or the truth, but I gave in.

"I assume you booked the flight already?" I moaned in defeat. I felt so weak.  
"Of course." she said, victoriously. "6 tonight, enough time for you to hunt." I chuckled, and I heard her gasp into the phone.  
"You must hunt Edward. Being on the Plane will be torture if you-" And I hung up. My thoughts were only of Bella now. And I gathered my things absent mindfully, because my thoughts exploded with worry.

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**Bella's view:**

It was midnight. Charlie was dead asleep, in front of the blaring television. He wouldn't wake, Not like he hadn't heard me crying before. I sat myself on the counter of my bathroom, and stared in the mirror, and examined. Hole filled sweat pants, and sweatshirt matched my my pulled back hair. I didn't care about looks anymore. I never thought of myself as ugly. Just unnoticeable. And that was how I liked it. I felt tears slip to my eyes.  
"How would he ever want you. You don't even want you." said my voice.  
The girl who looked back at me, looked tired. No dark circles. Sleep was the only relief I had, so I made sure to get plenty. But there was a difference. I looked. Thinner. Older. I started sobbing then.  
"Moron. Romeo went for respected Juliet. He didn't go for the girl in the background." I whispered.

The cutting had started 2 weeks ago. I hate blood. I can't stand pain. I didn't do it as a punishment. More of a distraction. And it worked.

I walked to my room, and reached under my bed. My hand curled around something cool, and I took an extra deep breath. I curled against the frame of the bed, away from the door, to make sure no walk in Charlie wouldn't interrupt me. I focused myself, and put the blade against my skin. I did it quickly, to get it over with. As soon as I had done it, the smell of my blood absorbed me, as did the liquid spilling from the wound. I was so distracted, happy my thoughts were off things, that I didn't realize someone was in my room.

"Bella." someone said weakly.

I whipped around to find the source of the sound, and there stood a man..A thin man, with dark circles under his eyes. A man with black eyes full of pain. I fainted then.

---------------------------------------

**Edward's view**

I entered her room silently, and could tell she was in the bathroom. I was burning so badly, I gripped her window sill to steady myself, and took a chunk out quickly. I'd get that fixed later. I turned as she entered the room, and cowered by her bed. She didn't see me. I smiled, and waited for her to turn to me. But what came next was unexpected, and my smile was gone instantly. It took every ounce of me not to kill her then. As she cut into her skin. I was on fire, ready to scream, but my mind took over.

She had done this because of me. She had made herself bleed because of me. Her pain was so great, she had to cause physical pain to cover it up. I. Was. A. Monster.

"Bella." I moaned softly. And she slowly raised her eyes to me. She fainted, and I grabbed her in an instant. I placed her on her bed, and ran to the bathroom. The gauze were on the counter ready. This made my unnecessary breathing stop.  
"No. Bella please. No, Bella No." I whispered, and ran back to the bed. I pulled up her sleeves to see the lines all over. I fell to my knees, and crushed them tightly, as her scent stabbed me again. The pain was intense. But. I deserved it. I lifted myself, and wrapped Bella's bloody arm. I then wrapped her in my arms, and pulled her to my chest, and sobbed. I felt...myself slipping then. Something calming me slightly. I didn't feel myself. My emotions were gone. And all that remained was the pain. It was my punishment. And I stayed there, holding her.

Charlie layed downstairs peacefully, knowing nothing at all. Elsewhere, Alice broke out in sobs Jasper couldn't calm. She knew too much.


	3. Weak

**Bella's view:**

I woke up to a time not quite morning, but bright enough to light my room. I sat up, to find two stone cold arms fall at my side. I shut my eyes tight, then opened them to see the sight of my wrist. It was real. I looked up, to see 2 dark eyes staring back at me. It took me a minute to realize that it was Edward. He looked horrible, too thin, too tired, too...unreal. I questioned my sanity for a moment before I really looked into his eyes.

All I saw was pain. They burned me, and I breathed out a gasp as he looked at me.  
"Edward !" I choked out, and my vision became blurred with tears. I wiped them away, to see his eyes change from the pain they held, to a pain that held several emotions I couldn't decipher. I cried stupidly, and realized he didn't hold me. I reached out to touch him, with both arms, and he grabbed my wrists gently. He flipped over the one I had cut, and looked at the blood soaked bandage. I must have cut deeper than I thought, though not deep enough to harm my life. Unless. This was hell. Normally I could dismiss this idea off the basis Edward was here. But watching Edward like this...would be hell.

" Bells." he said softly. His voice was laced with heavy pain. My heart shattered, and the pieces stuck in me, making every breath hurt. His head dropped, and he looked into his lap.

"No. Edward. This wasn't your fault. I-" I was cut off by a muffled sob. I looked at him in horror, as he lifted his face, and I saw past the circles and the eyes. He looked weak. The man I had thought of a god, looked like a child in pain. Studying him once again, I saw he was past his normal hunger. The circles under his eyes were as dark as ink marks, from an exploded pen. He looked thinner, his already showing jawbones exposed more.

I was interrupted by his words.  
"I..I'm so sorry." he said, his voice breaking. But a part of him disappeared then, I could see it from his eyes. Only then did he pull me into his arms, but they felt empty, as if they were only there for the normal she wanted back. So I sobbed. I cried into his stone chest, for all the tears he couldn't cry.

I woke up a time later, and looked at the clock to see it read noon. I looked up to see Edward had not moved, his eyes were shut. I moved and sat up, but he still didn't open his eyes. My hand moved to his face, and his eyes flickered open. I touched his features lovingly, but it didn't soften everything in his eyes. I dropped my hand, and we stared at each other for a long moment. Then I heard a knock on my window. I looked up to see Alice, Jasper, and Carlisle with urgency in their eyes. I felt a blush come to my face and debated finding a sweater to hide my arm, but I had a feeling Alice had told both of them already. I walked to the window quickly, and let them in, not wanting to leave Edward alone like this for too long. I heard the three gasp, and I felt completely guilty in that second.

-----------------------------------------------------

**Edward's view:**

I had stayed with her all night. I had let the burn of Bella's blood after weeks without feeding scorched me all night. But in no way did I feel the pain redeem me at all. She left to open the window, and I felt an emptiness next to me. 3 vampires gasped at me. Their thoughts screamed at me, demanding my attention. I didn't want it. Bella sat next to me, and cuddled into my chest. It made a spike in the pain, and I smiled.

"Edward." Alice yelled, and grabbed the collar of my shirt. She hit me across the face, and I closed my eyes. A very alarmed Bella, sat up and started to scold her, but Carlisle gently interrupted her, and questioned her about her wrist. She went quiet, and I put my hands over my face.

Imagine wanting to scream and cry until you tired yourself out. I couldn't do any of it. Everything was held inside. And if it wasn't for the Angel next to me, I would have gone and begged for death. But my actions had scarred my angel. It was inexcusable.

I opened my eyes to Carlisle wrapping Bella's arm while scolding her. Only then did I realize Alice was screaming for my attention. Literally yelling.  
"YOU NEED TO FEED. ARE YOU LISTENING."

I looked up at her, and she stopped dead in her tracks. I felt too...weak to hide my emotions. They were carved into my face like stone.

"Jasper. Calm him. Do something" she almost whispered. I looked to Jasper, who had been silent to whole time. He had been calming me. His eyes narrowed at me, with disbelief.

"He's..There's too many emotions." he said softly. Bella grabbed onto my face, and I saw fear in her eyes. Fear. Was she afraid of me? I closed my eyes again.  
"Bella." I said slowly. I felt a pair of lips against mine. Gentle. Loving. My throat burned. My punishment.  
"Edward." she replied. I opened my eyes and pulled her into my arms. I held her hard against me, guilt eating at me.

"Son." Carlisle said softly. I looked up at him, and couldn't help but listen to his thoughts. They were pained. _'No Edward. Please. Not my son. God please, help him." _I stopped listening then.

"I'm sorry." I whisper.  
"Edward you need to eat." Alice pushed, in the arms of Jasper now. Next Carlisle spoke  
"Son. You are starving. You must be in so much pain even being near Bel-" My low growl interrupted him. But it was too late. Bella turned suddenly then, and looked at me.  
"You're...In pain?" She asked.

"I deserve nothing but this pain."

Carlisle flinched. Alice started crying. Jasper tried to calm more. But Bella surprised me.

"Edward no. How..I...You can't leave me alone like this. You can't die. You have to eat" she shouted. But she broke down into tears soon after. I held her tightly, and closed my eyes.

Bella. My Bella. I would die for her. Suffer for her. Work all my life for her. And all I wanted was her happiness. All I wanted was her. She was made for me to take care of, as she had taken care of everyone but herself. But she was human. She could easily find another Edward. But I would never be able to find all the factors that made my Bella. But I hurt her. I endangered her. And I prevented her from leading a normal life. I had spent my whole life alone. I thought it wouldn't be too hard to do it again. I had tasted the fine wine, and couldn't go back to the cheap stuff again. But my mistake had caused her pain, and although her kind heart could forgive me, I didn't know if I could ever forgive myself.

I opened my eyes, and looked at Carlisle. His eyes pleaded me. I felt so weak. I looked down at Bella, and wiped her tears away.

"My love." I whispered, and held her face is my hands. She looked at me with such fear, and I suddenly understood it. I looked weak. She was afraid for me. I kissed her lips, and sighed at the burn. I looked up at Alice, and nodded at her. She understood. She came beside Bella, and I got up. Carlisle grabbed my by the arm, and we were off.


	4. Burn me

**{Please don't take my mentions of religion to heart. Personally, I am atheist. But religion will play a role in this story, mainly because of Carlisle. But whether I keep Edward religious or not is up to him. After all, he is whispering this all in my ear.}  
**

**Edward's view:**

I felt so dirty. So impure. Once I left Bella's side, I realized how badly I wanted to kill her. What creature with a soul could kill the love of their life. No souled creature could. It was as simple as that. I was a monster. I don't know if I believe in God or not. But I know if there is one, I am not invited to heaven or hell. This God has taken away my soul. But he couldn't make it that easy. He couldn't make me suffer alone, like I deserved to. He had made me fall in love with a girl I couldn't touch without being burned by a taste of hell's fire. He made me suck the venom from her veins, and showed me the monster I was when I almost could not stop. And when I tried to leave her, he made my angel draw her own blood to lure me back. This God is showing me that no matter what I do, this Angel would suffer because of me, with me in her life or not. And this fact made me suffer more than anyone would ever know. I couldn't even go to die, because it would hurt her further. And it's driving me insane.

Carlisle's thoughts screamed at me, full of worry. He dragged me through the forest, as my feet were unwilling, until he found the scent of a herd of deer. He let my arm go, and turned to me. His eyes said what his mind read.  
_'Edward. You need to feed.'_ I looked at him with cold eyes.  
_'My god..His eyes. Look how dark-'_ his thoughts buzzed. I closed my eyes and turned from him. As if my own thoughts were not enough. He put a hand on my shoulder, and quieted his thoughts from me.

"Why did you change me? Why didn't you let me die?" I choked out slowly. I felt him go stiff. I imagined how guilty he felt, and felt his hand drop from my shoulder. I opened my eyes and turned to him. This wasn't a question not meant to be replied. I wanted to know. I raised my eyes to his, and didn't flinch from the pain I saw in them.  
"Why." I demanded.

He looked into the forest, and let me read his thoughts again._  
'Your mother. She begged me to save you. I had prayed for company. I thought it was a gift from God..'_  
My head filled with pain, and I grabbed his face to make him look at me.  
"Your God has abandoned us. We are his mistakes, and he will not cease this pain.. until I cease to be. And even then, I must hurt everyone along the way." I dropped his face, but held my gaze.  
"Your God sent me as a punishment. And now, he's sent me mine." I growled. His face crumbled with pain. He blocked his thoughts, but couldn't hide the guilt in his voice.  
"Edward. I love you. My son..I'm..I'm sorry. But you can't..You need to feed." he spoke shakily. It was out of character. He was such a strong person. It caught my attention, but didn't phase me.

"I will feed for Bella." I whispered. And turned from him. I let my senses take over, and the next logical thought I had was realizing I had killed 3 large deer. I stopped then, and turned to see Carlisle watching me.  
_'Edward..Please' _he thought. _' You aren't near full.'_  
I smiled. And his forehead crinkled with understanding. He knew I wanted to cause myself pain. But I was off running towards Bella's scent before he could give me another thought.

------------------------------

**Bella's view:**

Alice held me as I shook with sobs. Edward's eyes had held more than emotional pain. He had been in actual pain as well. Because of me.

Alice lifted my face, and turned to Jasper. I felt a sense of calm hit me, and she layed me on her pillow. I fought the calm, and tried to stay awake.

"Alice. What happened with Edward?" I asked softly, my breathing slowing from crying. She looked to Jasper to make sure he had me under control, and he gave her a nod.

"He was starving himself." She said softly. I guess my eyes questioned her, because she continued.  
"When a vampire doesn't eat, we don't get an ache in our tummy, like you would." she paused, and glanced at my baggy clothes. "Or do." I put my head down in shame, but looked back after a moment for her to continue.  
"When we don't eat, it causes us a lot of pain. Pain like the fire you felt when bitten..or worse..Especially around you.." I gasped recalling the memory, and she gave me a sad look.  
"It's also very hard to keep control. That's why vampires don't starve to death. But Edward.. Edward is damn stubborn." she said with anger, but her eyes showed pain.  
I felt my body go numb. The changes in his looks. He stopped eating because of me. He didn't even bother to eat the night he returned to me. He came straight from wherever he was, to me. And when he saw me...draw my own blood, he wrapped my arm, and stayed with me. I imagined the pain I felt when I got bit, and tried to multiply it. The result would be unbearable.  
Alice put her cold fingers on my face to get my attention.

"Bella. You need to help Edward. He's hurting. More than physical. He's blaming himself. And." she stopped, and let out a dry sob. Jasper instantly had his arms around her.  
"And if you don't. Something horrible is going to happen." I broke down ,sobbing hard painful sobs.

No. Not my lion. I gasped for air, but it would not come. But I didn't care. I just wanted my Edward. I just wanted to be in his arms, and feel the coolness of his kiss.  
The room began to spin, and my head hit the pillow.

**{Reviews make me feel like you need my work, more than I need to type it. I will update regardless of the reviews, but your words of kindess (**IsabellaMarieCullen3214) **make me feel a sense of hunger amoung my readers. I will feed the hungry.}  
**


	5. Fear

**Edward's view**

Humans are afraid to die. That's why they turn to religions, which promise them a paradise where they can live on forever. But humans don't know how easy they have it. They are so fragile, that most of them don't see death coming. Others live until their bodies or minds fall apart. But it's always forced on them. The only people who come close to the decision vampires have to make, are suicide victims. But they are so caught up with emotions, most don't truly understand until it's too late. There is always fear, as there should be. I too am scared. But I have to make a decision humans don't have to. I have to chose when to die. I have to arrange my own death. I can't cheat my way out, and gobble pills, or slit my wrists. I can't die in an accident, unexpectedly. I can't grow old gracefully, and die naturally. I have to die in complete mental clarity, and awareness. I have to watch myself die. But when I weigh all the pain, and guilt I feel now, verse the fear I will face in death, I know I am too afraid to die. I truly am worthless.

I was running. It calmed me some, as I ran towards the burn Bella emitted. Running was innate for me, it came natural as breathing. Unfortunately, so did reading thoughts. And when I saw Alice shaking Bella's unmoving body, I panicked. No. no. no.  
I was in her room before I realized what happened. I looked at my angel, and threw Alice off of her, while growling. Jasper caught her, and gave me a low growl himself. But he knew I acted out of fear. I could hear her heartbeat, and ran my fingers down her cheekbone. She had tears. I turned quickly, and read Alice's mind. I was instantly more than infuriated.

"Why did you tell her all of that." I breathed. I felt betrayed. I felt angry. Her thoughts replied.

_'She asked. I had to tell her. I'm so worried about you. I had a vision that-'_ My growl made her silent.

"Did you forget she's fragile? Did you forget that she is a human?" I found it hard to control my volume, and suddenly I was yelling.  
"Did you think I didn't put her through enough already?." I turned to my Bella, and picked up her wrist. I pulled the sleeve up, and pain exploded through me. The first was the hunger, and desire that her blood commanded. The second was the guilt I felt for wanting to drain her so badly. The last blocked out both previous reasons. The fact that I had driven her to self harm, when I abandoned her for her own good. I pulled her into my arms, against my hard chest.  
"Did you think she doesn't have enough to deal with, without me and my issues?" I felt my eyes harden, and my breathing stopped. I closed my eyes, and Alice, Jasper, and my angel were gone. I wanted to be alone. To suffer alone. To die alone. I heard Carlisle enter by his thoughts, which were in shock over my state.  
"My boy.."  
I opened my eyes, but not to reply Carlisle. My Bella had opened her eyes.

**Bella's view**

I felt the cold embrace before anything. I opened my eyes to see Edward, staring at me. He looked a little better, but still off. His dark circles were only a slight bit faded. His skin color was still paler than normal, and his eyes were still black. But it wasn't hunger. It was pure pain. He smiled at me, but his eyes only showed more pain. I felt a hand of guilt squeeze my heart. I guess it showed on my face, because his lips lowered, and kissed my jawline. I felt my heart flutter, and became angered at how easily distracted I was. He sat me on his lap, and I looked at the other vampires around me, and felt horrible.  
Alice spoke, her tone somber.  
"You need to call Charlie. Explain to him you are going camping. Then give me the phone."

I turned to look at my angel, who was staring at the wall, blank off all emotion. I could tell he was hiding his emotions from me. And then my slow human mind processed something. He was hiding his physical pain too. Then my mind processed something else as well. Alice said she had a vision of Edward. I looked up to Alice quickly, my eyes showing my fear. She nodded at me, and mouthed the word 'LATER'. She then threw me her phone, and I felt Edwards hand wrap tightly around me. He kissed my neck softly once, and stopped to let me use the phone. It would have been a beautiful moment if I hadn't known he was screaming silently in pain.

I dialed Charlies cell, and mimicked what Alice had said. She didn't have to tell me it would work. Charlie had worried so much about me, when he heard I was going camping with Alice, he gave me permission immediately. I handed Alice the phone after a quick 'I love you', and she put on a fake voice. She left the room, with Jasper following like a lost puppy. I felt Edward's hand's tighten around me, and him whisper something I couldn't understand. But when I looked up to Carlisle, he looked as if had killed thousands of people. Guilt burned through his eyes, which were rested on Edward. Edward grabbed my face slowly, acting as if I was made of the most thin glass. His eyes rested on me, and I felt a chill run up my spine. All I saw was darkness. There was nothing. It frightened me. I quickly place my mouth on his, kissing him softly. I let my lips run down his jawline, and looked back to his eyes. They remained empty, but pain remained on his face. I mistook this for the burn Alice told me he felt, and tried to move away. But he held me by the small of my back, and brought my head towards his. Carlisle left the room, and I heard Alice and Jasper going through things downstairs. But right now, all I focused on was him. His lips moved to my ear, and I closed my eyes.  
"Why do you tempt me, my angel..." he said softly. He kissed behind my ear, and I gasped. He moved his soft lips down my neck, leaving lines of electricity, that rushed through me.  
"..When in the end, I'll be the one who cuts off your wings."

I couldn't reply. I just looked him straight in the eyes, to see the darkness. I wanted to grab him, and beg him to never leave my side. I wanted him to stop causing himself pain. I wanted him to see what I saw of him. I let out a whimper, and he pulled me tight to him. As if I could fly away. As if I would fly away. He lifted me tightly, and walked downstairs to meet the others. They had been going through my cabinets, getting food for me. And suddenly my stomach growled. Jasper handed me some form of a granola bar and I shoved it into my mouth without thought. I just wanted my growls to stop. As soon as they were finished taking at least 15% of the food in my home, we took off running. I curled into Edward's chest, and took his scent in. I felt the oddest sensation. I felt that something was terribly wrong. But when I tried to look up at Edward, he pressed my face into his chest. And then we were at the Cullen's.

Esme ran to meet us in the yard, her eyes scanning me and Edward. She began to walk towards us when she caught Carlisle's eyes. She stopped dead in her tracks. Edward brought me to his room, leaving me completely curious to what was happening outside. But when he layed me down on his couch, all my thoughts were lost. He put his body on top of mine, and held my wrists above me head.

"Bella"

**Edward's view:**

The position I held on her was of pure power. Power I didn't want to have. I was pinning her down by her wrists, and all she had in her eyes was desire. She gave me a trust I didn't deserve. And I needed to show her that.

"Bella" I whispered. She gave me her full attention, with eyes of lust. A lust I couldn't return without hurting her. She was the life I could never let myself have, even if it was the life she wanted for the moment. I gripped her wrists roughly now, and let my numbness spread. She whimpered at the pressure increase.  
"You must leave me Bella." I said softly. Somewhere in my head screamed in pain. In protest. I pushed it back, concentrating on my words.  
"No Edw-" she tried. But I only gripped her tighter.  
I thought my words out carefully. And changed my plan from the original. Alice would never see it coming now.  
"You cause me nothing but pain Bella. I hold you responsible for my suffering. If you loved me, you'd leave me." I said slowly, in stable words. But I wanted to rip my chest open. I was screaming on the inside;  
'_No Bella. You're all I live for. You are my world. Don't say it. Don't fall for it. '_

But I could tell I said the right thing. Because pain erupted in her eyes. She started crying quietly, and I subconsciously pushed her tears away. She looked up at me questioningly, but only met my cold stare. I perfected my act.  
"Now. Hurt me." I hissed, pressing her wrists harder. She squirmed in pain, and shook her head.  
"Hurt me or I'll keep coming back." She understood this. Her face showed an internal battle. To hurt me to keep me away, or to let me come back and deal with more pain.

"Edward. I hate you. I'll never forgive you for what you did to me. I never want to see you again... You monster." she said, but not in a whisper. In a strong voice. It burned more than any fire.

I was gone before she could see the true pain etched in my face. I ran as far as I could before I collapsed from the words she said. My agonized scream ripping through the forest. I ripped at my hair, my arms, my legs, sobbing pathetic dry sobs. I screamed her name, and couldn't control my shaking. It was then I knew it was the time for me to go into the dark.


	6. Oh, Romeo

**{AN: I hope you are enjoying this. Show me some love. Because for Christmas, you're getting a climactic chapter.}**

**Edward's view:**

I think somewhere along the way humans realize how trapped they are in their short cycle of life. They come to terms that they will grow. That they will age, as their parents have. That they will watch the ones they love wither and die. That they will watch themselves wither and die. It's not pleasant to think about. So they don't. They distract themselves with glows of their televisions, or texts of religion. They absorb themselves in the small things, and ignore the big things. When it comes down to it, everyone is afraid of their own damn lives. They are afraid to feel pain, afraid to lose someone, afraid of the oncoming death they can't stop. In some ways, I guess I am human. But I can't sit and distract myself like a human can. There is no aging. There is no withering and dieing. There is no possibility of normality. There is no graceful ending, to a well paced life. There is only acceptance without distraction. My Bella had given me my taste of heaven. She had shown me what I could never be. And with the memory of her warm skin heating mine, and her soft lips, I am finally ready to face death. I am no longer scared of facing a hell, if it comes to it. She had given me all the memories I will need to deal with my deserved pain. And I hope it hurts me badly. Because I hurt an angel, and that deserves pain. My hell comes from inside of myself. Why fight this.

I had layed myself on the forest floor for quite a while, and found myself drenched with water. It didn't cool the burn of my emotional fire. I picked myself up, and ignored the gentle stabs the animals around me brought. I was still shaking from my pain. I inhaled her faint scent for the last time, bringing me memories of her that made my shaking worse. I then took off to the only place I knew where death would come to me.

**Bella's view:**

As soon as he released me, I knew he was gone. I brought my hands to cover my face, and took deep jagged breaths. Jasper must have felt the pain radiating off me, because he burst into the room. Alice was only a heartbeat behind him, and looked toward me in confusion.  
"Where is he.. He's not suppose.." she started, but comprehension shown through on her face. My slow human mind processed this. Whatever vision she was going to tell me about was wrong. I was suddenly aware of Jasper's hands tightly on my arms, and realized I was breathing so hard I had stated coughing. I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks next. I closed my eyes, and blocked everything out. I had made Edward go away. I had hurt him. My heart felt heavy. I had been stupid. So stupid. He had only wanted me to hurt him, so he had no other choice. So he could be cornered on a cliff. And now he was planning to jump. This burned me. Hurt me beyond belief.  
The memories of his face came into view. His eyes grasped pain, and anger. But never at me. He had never been angry with me. Only with himself. Always with himself. He carried the world on his shoulders. He carried my world on his shoulders. He was always so busy taking care of me, in every way. With love so deep, it controlled me. And never once did he ask me to take care of him. He always watched me sleep, made sure I didn't fall, and played the hero. His whole life centered around me. My mind shattered. How had I been so ignorant towards him. I was his reason for existence. And I had just told him I hated him.

I opened my eyes to find it dark out, and a cold hand was on my forehead. Esme looked at me with such motherly eyes, it made me want to cry again. She reached down and kissed me, before turning to call someone else in. But as her mouth opened, I issued her a small "wait."  
She turned back to me, and I saw pain in her eyes.

"Where's Edward?" I asked softly. She turned away, and looked at her feet.

"Bella, you had a panic attack." she said softly. I didn't reply her. I waited for my answer.

"You know, it's almost as if Romeo and Juliet was written for the two of you." she said softly. I raised my eyebrow, and she continued.  
"You and Edward fell in love, and forget about everything around you, and focus only on each other." I felt a wave of guilt hit me, and I began to tear. She saw this, and quickly stroked my tears away.

"Edward hurt Carlisle. He asked why he bothered to make him a vampire. He told him.." she paused, and looked deeply into my eyes.  
"Edward told him that he was Carlisle's punishment from god. And that you're his."  
I looked away, and inspected the bruises on my wrists. They were so dark.  
"..Punishment for what?" I asked softly.

"For being a vampire."

I closed my eyes, and felt guilt rush over me.  
"I'm his punishment..because all I do is bring him pain.." I whimpered out quietly.  
She pulled me into a hug instantly, and forced me to look into her eyes.  
"No, your his punishment for bringing him pleasure, when he feels all he brings you is pain." she said very softly. She ran her fingers through my hair, and I lost feeling in my limbs. I wanted so badly for her to be Edward. I just wanted my lion.

Alice busted in, appearing on the bed before I could identify what happened. I only opened my mouth before she replied my unasked question.

"He's going to get himself killed. We need to leave now." she got up, and attempted to grab my hand, when Esme interrupted.

"Go pack her some things. I need a word anyway." she said very quietly. It worried me.  
Alice ran from the room, with a combination of fear for her brother, and a small bit of pleasure for getting to dress me.

Esme grabbed my shoulders and hugged me into a tight hug. Then she spoke words that made me break into tears.

"This isn't Romeo and Juliet, Bella. Bring my son home. But.." she paused in pain as her voice broke. "But if it's too late, don't you dare do anything stupid. Don't you dare Bella. He loves you more than anything. And would never want you to.." she broke off and went into dry sobs. I gripped her into a tighter hug, and frowned. Romeo and Juliet had acted on impulse. They didn't think of how their actions affected anyone but each other. But I knew I couldn't promise Esme anything. Because I knew without Edward, my life would be nothing.


	7. pure

**(My official reason for not updating is due to an accident in the family. And though this tears at me to finish, real pain is more than written. So the real stuff had to be dealth with first.)**

**Edward's view:  
**

I was trembling, my eyes shut tight in agnoy. The pain was unbearable, the fires of hell surrounded me, in the form of all the people around me.  
I tried to focus as much as possible, to keep myself in control, to focus on the pain and not the beating of hearts, but I could feel myself slipping away. Unfortunately a 9 hour flight with 300 other passengers was a place I could not afford to lose my self control. So my mind flowed across others thoughts. Most were disgusting. A nervous woman checking her phone, hoping there's time to see _him_ before she has to go back to the family. An old man fumbling over all the regrets he had done against his children. A teenager blasting garbage music to avoid conversation with her parents. It was true, some minds were less corrupt then others, but the only mind I found pure was that of a infant, cuddled in his mothers arms. He knew nothing of war, or hate. He only knew of the bond he and his parents shared, how she hummed him the same tune when he was uncomfortable, and how their eyes changed when they looked at him. Of course none of this he could verbalize. And by the time he would begin to speak, such small things would be overlooked by him, only to be recovered when he grew old, and frail. If he made it to grow old. Humans are far to fragile.

**////////////////////////////////////////////////////////**

I waited patiently for Bella at a table, in the middle of the only mall in Forks. I admired her beauty, while she waited in line, her bold features standing out more than any make-up could. And then she saw the baby. It didn't take Jasper to tell me her mood rose up dramatically when she saw that baby. Her eyes lit up, as she leaned down, and smiled at her, putting her hand next to the baby's small fist. I didn't bother listen to the small talk, and barely noticed her come back to the table. Her face fell immediately when she saw me.

"Edward" she said breathlessly. "What's wrong." she reached her hand to mine, but I pulled mine into my lap and hung my head in shame. For a shame it was, and I shame I am.  
"I can never give you children Bella." I said softly, but not softly enough to hide the disgust. I drew an unnecessary jagged breath, and looked at her with sadness.  
"You will never be a mother if you stay with me. You will never have a family." The words came out shaky. And for the first time, she was at a loss for words. I didn't know if it hadn't occurred to her yet, or if she didn't know how to respond but the silence killed me.  
"As long as I have you.." she began softly, but I shushed her, and motioned her to eat.  
_**//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////**  
_

I knew it then that I was never meant to be happy. That god would give me no gifts in life, only punishments. That if I wanted a family, I would have to take their souls like Carlisle did. I had told Bella that I had a streak where I moved away from home, and killed humans, but I never told her why. In truth, it was because of Esme. Carlisle had taken her soul, and given her a new life to replace the one she took from herself. She remains to be beautiful, and perfect. She is his angel, and he ripped her wings off. The thought of subjecting someone to this life was a cruel one, but they lived as if it were nothing. It disgusted me. So I left.

A hand shaking me softly, startled me. It took all I had not to hiss, as the fire of his touch engulfed me. I opened my eyes, and looked to the concerned face of seat partner with confusion. His soft blue eyes met mine with a look of honest concern through his mop of brown hair.

"You look to be.. In pain." he said, his Irish accent very apparent, I said nothing. He frowned, and fumbled through his carry on.  
"I have tylenol, if you want some." he said, and I scanned his thoughts for more.  
'The boys looks like shit' Honesty, though it was blunt.  
"No thanks. I don't take painkillers." I replied dryly, turning away.  
He let out a huffed breath, and turned his view back to his window seat. But his kindness was not for nothing. I slipped a large roll of twenties in his pocket. The fire roared on, and it even got a whimper out of me, before I sealed my lips shut, and used every ounce of my focus.  
The memory of my lovers blood, and scar covered wrists wouldn't leave me. And it was all too much. I leaned down and cried out a small dry sob.

'All I want is to be pure.' I thought silently to myself. Even if it means my end.

**Bella's view:  
**  
Once they had collected all of my things, reassured Charlie, and had me ready to go, an hour had went by. A whole hour of Edward running. Not that it even mattered because I would slow down the trip anyway, even with Jasper's current 80 mile an hour driving. My head felt dizzy, my heart felt heavy, and I didn't recognize where we were.  
But... That was a good question. Where were we going?

I looked to Alice with confusion on my face.  
"How do you know where he is? Did he decide where he was heading?" I asked softly, clutching my injured arm tightly.  
"..He never told you, did he?" she said, not leaving it as a question. I shook my head, while racking my brain.  
"He's going to Italy." She stated simply. I narrowed my eyes in confusion.  
"Well..What's there?" I asked. The reply came from an unexpected source, someone I didn't even know was in the car. Carlisle.  
"It's the only place where he can have help ending his life."  
I dug my nails into my arms, wanting to draw blood, but were grabbed by two strong arms. I knew they were Carlisle's, But I didn't care. I thrashed about for a moment, when suddenly I was pulled into a hug. I began to cry openely, and I felt the waves of Jasper. But I didn't want to sleep. I was sick of just crying and sleeping. But for now, they had won, and the last thing I heard was a dry sob from Carlisle.

**( This story will get horribly darker past this point. Please expect it.)**


	8. Abide with me

**((AN: I will update two or three more times today and tomorrow, just because some of you are worth it. And don't worry about the Swine Flu. The news agencies just want you to think it's the end for ratings, and everyone else just wants something big to happen to make their lives seem interesting. ))**

**Edward**

I got off the plane, somewhere in Germany. I couldn't stand it, and missed my connecting flight. Monster. I ran through the damp streets, their thoughts screaming at me. I didn't make it far before I ran to an alley, and clutched my head in my hands. Just to Italy. All I need to do is get to Italy. And then I could close my eyes. I was so tired. In so much pain . The guilt was burning me.

In my distraction, I didn't notice the large man come corner me in. His eyes scanned my clothes, and mind thought of money. A whore followed him closely. I could smell the sweat on her. It was disgusting. The man cocked the gun he pulled from his pocket, I stayed still, face down. He yelled some meaningless slur of words, waving his metal as if he had power. He was no king. The whores mind went to money, and then another human. Her child. Monster. I didn't register what I was doing until I did it. I was standing up..And I looked down to see the fat man on the ground, head smashed flat by the wall. There was so much blood. My hunger screamed to me to take the whore, who seemed to be frozen in fear. I grabbed her by the neck, and brought her to me. The mascara she wore ran down her cheeks, and she blubbered in English of how she didn't want to die. Her head flashed to the gun, to thoughts of yelling. I held her by the neck, and lifted her off the ground, and she began to choke. Thoughts of what she never got to do. Thoughts of the men she slept. Disgusting and typical. I wanted her to die. Monster. But then her thoughts flashed to the child. What would happen to the child, and who would take care of her. I dropped her, and backed into the wall, breathing hard. She looked at me with fear, and a slight bit of confusion. I had blood on my hands, on my face. I looked at her, shaking. Removing my coat, I threw it at her, and she flinched in fear. Monster.  
"Take my wallet, use the money and the cards to take your girl somewhere where a child belongs." I choked out. She didn't move. She just stared. I growled. She stood. She let her fears show. I turned away from her.  
"If you're not out of the city, or you return to your ways, I will kill your daughter, and let you watch."I was shaking as I said it. My eyes tightly closed. And I ran.

Far. Fast. Monster. I was losing control. I fell to the ground , in an open field, far from anyone's eyes. My skin was on fire, and my head felt clouded. I layed there for a moment closing my eyes, embracing the burn, memories of her arms in my head, the dirty mans blood on my face and pants. There was no doubt in my mind any longer. And my feet were carrying me to Italy, before I even opened my eyes.

**Bella**

When I awoke we were on the plane. I turned to see Carlisle next to me, watching me carefully. I then turned to my aisle side to see Alice standing, and offering me her hand. I accepted. She led me to the airplane bathroom, and shut us in. She turned to me with curiosity in her eyes. This meant she didn't know what I was going to say. I took a deep breath.  
"Alice. How far are we?" I asked.  
She frowned. "About four hours. We'll run from Germany. " Suddenly I felt useless, and angry. I was just some puppet to maneuver around. A toy to lure Edward back with. I felt nauseous. I turned my head and threw up in the toilet. Alice was instantly holding my back. I wiped my mouth and turned to her. My hands were shaking, my breath unsteady.  
"I can't lose him Alice. Everyone else doesn't matter. I can't be without him. We made plans. Everything was planned." I choked. Her eyes clouded with sadness, when we heard a knock on the door. Alice opened it to Jasper, who stared her deeply in the eyes. She left, leaving me confused. He shut the door, and his golden eyes set upon me. He felt everything I felt. He knew. His offered his arms to me, and I went to them and started to sob.  
"It's my fault." I sobbed.  
"You were in pain." He said softly.  
"I did this to him."  
"You did not. He did this for you." He replied.  
"He's going to die. How could he have done this for me."  
Jasper's jaw tightened.  
"Bella, you are his everything. He'd do anything for you. You made him happy. He's always been alone. You just need to show him how much you need him, and he'll come back to protect you." He whispered. He unraveled his arms from mine, and patted my hair, frowning. He left then, leaving me alone. And then it came to me. It was clear what I had to do. I smiled, and left the restroom. I'm coming Edward.


	9. Calm before

As I was running, my thoughts went to her. My dead heart felt crushed. She was the most beautiful thing I knew. Her innocence, and curiosity. Her fiery temper, and clumsy feet. So fragile. All I ever wanted to do was protect her. To keep her safe, and I failed. She was hurt by me badly, and the scars were only a glimpse on the inside. I let out a loud anguished scream, and began to dry sob, but my feet kept moving. I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted to be able to hold Bella without thinking about the blood in her veins. I wanted to be able to kiss her without worrying about losing control. I wanted to be able to make a child with her, and raise him to be good. I wanted to grow old with her in my arms, watching the landscape and faces change. None of that I could have. Instead I made my only source of happiness grow thin and tired. Her mind was hopeless, and body was broken. I didn't deserve her. Demons don't get Angels. I did, then ripped her wings out. My legs stopped and I collapsed.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////

When Bella cut her finger on that wrapping paper, I knew it was punishment. A punishment from some god to me. Everything went so quickly then. Her blood was everywhere. I couldn't even stand by her as she got stitched up. I couldn't even comfort her. Carlisle told me to go get Jasper. So I went.

He ran for miles into dense forest and I followed. His thoughts were full of shame, and he stopped dead in his tracks when he felt my emotion. He turned to me with a confused look on his scarred face. His eyes were full of shame.  
"Why aren't you mad?" he asked. I shifted, and lowered my head.  
"Because it's my fault." I replied dryly. He laughed a cold laugh, and turned away from me for a moment. When he turned back his eyes showed his true age.  
"I threw myself at her. I lost control. Be mad at me. Punish me." I tried to read his mind, but he blocked me. My eyes narrowed.  
"No."  
"Edward, I wanted nothing more than to kill her. To drain all of her blood. I almost took her from you. Why aren't you mad?" he said, looking at me with an intense stare. I knew what he was trying to do. He wanted me to attack him, to make me release the anger I held in, and to punish him for what he almost took from me.  
"Or are you not mad because you don't care?" This got a growl from me. I felt waves of anger wash over me, encouraging a reaction.  
"I could have changed her. I could have done what you are too selfish to do. And I would have enjoyed it." He said, his lie was perfect. I grabbed him and threw against a tree, catching him before he landed on the ground, and pinned him to the tree. I was growling, and his eyes were shut in thought.  
"You can't touch her like this." He whispered. I lost it. I threw him, and fought him for about ten minutes. His only reaction was standing back up to get the next hit. I screamed at him, demanding he fight back, but he didn't. Then I stopped and collapsed to the ground. Jasper must have felt my despair, and came to my side.  
"I'm sorry." He whispered. "For everything."  
"It's not your fault." I replied "I almost did the same." I faked my emotions and he seemed to buy it. It was then I knew I had to leave. I didn't deserve her. I only would harm her further. But I still had to go back to the house. So I put on my perfected mask, and went to face Bella.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I'm sorry. I should have never let you get close to me. I should have never let myself get so close to you. I'll never be able to deserve you. I am not worthy of your or anyone elses empathy. Every touch..Every kiss was so much more than you could ever know. But the monsters don't get the beautiful. I only wanted to be happy with you. But instead I put your life in dangers paths multiple times. And when I left I hurt you so badly, you hurt yourself. No lover does that to their loved ones. Only monsters. I'm sorry.

My feet were moving again, on their own accord. Italy was less than 15 minutes away on my feet. For the first time in my long life, I felt out of control. My emotional being was completely separated from my physical actions, and yet I ran towards Italy out of some deep desire. The city would renew the intense pain of hunger, but relieve the pain of Bella. Almost there. Keep running. And I did. And soon enough, I was on the Volturi's footsteps.


End file.
